How have you been lately?

My, it has been quite a long time since I dipped my pen into the general blogosphere. I mean, I've had my few posts on what my friend M and I have affectionately referred to as the "Ross blog" dedicated to the quirks and tendencies that define our campus minister, but outside of that, I've been relatively quiet on these sorts of posts. Part of that has been intentional, since I've been rather busy with graduating from university as well as trying to figure out what to do with the time thereafter, but now seems as apt time as ever to pick up the quill and start anew. To be honest, reading through some of my earlier posts and half-finished wanderings didn't inspire the best confidence in my ability to put coherent thought to the page, but I've got a great deal on my mind at present and so here's to another valid attempt.

Change

Change has been the most effectual theme in my life the last few months. At one point, you figure life kind of just throws you a bone, that all the praying, asking, and thinking things through with God, friends, and mentors will eventually manifest in some sort of directional fruit leaving a trail of crumbs off to your next adventure. Well, it's not exactly been like that for me. My life sort of hit a wall and try as I might to break myself and slow down, life kind of dragged me into it all the same. The first block was my breakup. A big part of that stemmed from my desire to spend time apart figuring out where life was going to take either of us. Unfortunately, from that grew a level of disconnect with a community that I had regularly called "home" for almost three years at school. While I'd seen this phenomena happen to other friends, I thought that through careful planning I might be able to rectify the problem and simply side-step the issue staring me straight in the face. Well, as luck would have it, the wall in front of me was a good deal wider than I gave credit, and so I crashed into and through it to the rather chagrin of my friends around me. What became increasingly apparent was that my greatest problem with this issue was that I had naturally assumed that all my careful planning and considering would eventually pan out into a healthy solution for all involved. What became even more clear to me as I look back is that what semblance of control I had convinced myself into banking on was all the more grains of sand sifting through my fingers. As one by one they would fall through, I felt the agonizing desire to pick them up, as if I could reclaim them from the swells of beach around me and through this futile effort, I felt very alone. Part of me wanted to blame people, part of me God, as if they had all let me down by letting these things fall where they may instead of helping me keep it all on track. But through all of this I realized that there was little I could say if my desire was focused on this sense of control I so craved for my life and not on what really mattered; just living.

There's a funny saying that I read the other day parodied off a South Park ski instructor that says "If you listen to the lyrics of a song when you're going through a breakup, you're gonna have a bad time." And this was absolutely true for me. I drew all and everything I was doing, whether it be bad or good, back to my perceived failure in this singular relationship. In essence, I was perpetuating my the stagnation I perceived in my own life by trying to hold onto things that in the long run were not the end of my world. I remember quite clearly sitting in my room saying "not like this, not like this" as the breakdown of the plan I had for how this whole situation was going to work was eating me alive. Now there is still hurting that needs to be dealt with but I feel like there is definitely something to a simple outlook on how life moves onward. If anything's taught me that life is better having been lived than managed, it's been the last three months.

In a sermon that I recently listened to by Tim Keller on Suffering, I found one of his points especially poignant. Part of the reason why I found it so apt was perhaps because it was something my mother has been saying for years. Keller pointed out that when Paul prayed for churches he wrote to, he was faithful to pray not that they're circumstances would be taken from them, but that they would find the strength of heart or spirit to work through whatever life puts in their way. My mom would often say "The only person you can change is yourself."

So that's where I find myself, a man with a different outlook (note, not a "new outlook" since I don't believe there's anything "new" about what I've said here) on life then when I'd even begun my last semester of college, much less something I could say I knew once I graduated. To all those who've felt similarly, I hope you find that these words resonate at some level. Cheers and God bless.

Chasing by I Am Alpha and Omega

Powerful song.

Sometimes I lie awake and see, How my imperfections, they run so deep, I'll close my eyes and start a prayer to You, No matter how ashamed, You meet me there, How can You love me when I won't stand beside You, You just keep chasing after me, Why do You give me grace when I have no place to keep it, You just keep chasing after me, In darker times I've tested Thee, I've run long and hard to find Your end, No matter how far or fast I go, Your always waiting to wrap your arms around me, How can You love me when I won't stand beside You, You just keep chasing after me (How can You love?) Why do You give me grace when I have no place to keep it, You just keep chasing after me (How can You love?)

Michigan

If I remember correctly, one of my earliest posts on this blog happened to be in this same cafe in the little town of Beulah, MI. Back then I talked about gaming and family and to be honest, not much has changed, besides maybe my amount of facial hair.

I've been reading a ton over this current trip:

Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordian

The Last Olympian by Rick Riordian

The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordian

The Rage Against God by Peter Hitchens

The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks

The Narnian by Alan Jacobs

I'm halfway through LOTR and The Narnian, the latter being the best I've encountered all vacation. The way Jacobs constructs a narrative for a life of constant scholarship is a breath of fresh air to what I'm afraid had become to me a rather stale subject.

Reading LOTR and revisiting the life of CS Lewis hearkens me back to my early days of literature and teenagehood (today, that's a word). Back when I believed I WAS Aragorn, Legolas, or any other hero from Middle Earth. Nowadays, I can only work, study, and let my greatest exploits in life play out on Stankowski or in the Rec Center.

Yet, my early days of childhood always do seem to raise their mischievous heads on my trip to MI. My favorite high school headmaster and I decided that in light of my recent literature material to construct Minas Tirith and Helm's Deep out of sand on the beach outside our Michigan condo. Suffice to say they were resounding successes. They both stood the attack test rather well (from both human and NazGULLs) and I found the whole process very rewarding as I got to work with my hands again after a long summer of working outside.

Yet, in the end, it all seems rather comical in my opinion. Looking out over my deck at one of the most beautiful sunsets I've seen this summer, I chuckled to think how much thought and care I put into these castles of sand all week. Agonizing as it was to see those Nazgulls and beachgoers send wave after wave of deadly assaults on our poor city, it was very convicting to take a step back and take in the awesome creation that our Lord has provided us. As the stars blinked into focus after sunset, our eyes turned from blinking on the horizon to wide-eyed amazement at the heavens God has given to us. In that moment my little castles of wet sand seemed paltry compared to the greatness of this world we've received from our Lord in heaven. So much more may we enjoy the earth free from sin and death in Christ's second coming.

Complacency

Do you feel satisfied? Truly satisfied? It's the feeling that you're doing okay. There might not be any real calamities in your life right now or perhaps your relationships haven't had a hiccup in recent memory. But should we ever feel like that with God?

In Revelations 3, Laodicea is called a church of "lukewarm" people. Neither hot nor cold, Christ says that he is inclined to spit them out of his mouth. Sometimes, I feel as if my life with Christ is doing just fine, as if without Him my life would be no different. God seems to consider complacency as one of the greatest mistakes we can make. Often, I think that we believe that not being close to God or not pursuing Him is the idea of "cold" that is talked about, yet I don't consider that to be an accurate interpretation. Those that are cold are the broken people, or at least those that are living in brokenness (as we're all broken, we just aren't always willing to realize it sometimes). Living in constant brokenness is painful and perhaps a bit self-pitying but in many ways we're called to a life of pain and difficulty with Christ. In Romans 5, we're told that the full measure of such strivings is hope, and Paul later says in chapter 7 that this hope isn't found in the law of men but that this hope is found in Christ.

If we want to use the idea of the law to enunciate the concept of "lukewarm" in the American church, the Jewish traditions and mandates promoted by the leaders of the synagogue has been replaced by our politically correctedness, Sunday morning chic, and tithing 10%. I'm not saying we'd say that this is our salvation, but what is shown to be the basis of your faith? My faith for so long has been my ability to articulate my relationship with Christ and what it means to believe; all with little or no faith-centered lifestyle to back it up. This doesn't save you. Your attendance doesn't get you closer to God, that's just one of the many gifts you receive by calling yourself part of the body of Christ. Going to church won't save you, nor does missing you condemn you. Christ's blood stained onto the wood of the cross did.

And yet how do we repay Him? Maybe he gets a half an hour a day in the morning when I'm not really awake or at night when I'm not much more so. If He gets any time at all. Sometimes perhaps I'm a bit too uptight towards my own sins (as Lecrae says, "Man I really wanna come to Christ/But I gotta clean my life up first, get my sins together") to let God do the very thing he wants, receive me as a broken son in need of a father. But that's not the problem I'm concerned about because we don't really get to this point. If you do, then great, you're working through what separates you from God and you need to go to Him just as much as the lukewarm. The problem with a lukewarm Christian is that they really won't pursue either, a life on fire for Christ or a period of humility as God makes clear their sins and where they need to let Him work on their hearts.

"Ultimately, we're all dead men. Sadly, we cannot choose how but, what we can decide is how we meet that end, in order that we are remembered, as men."

How will you be remembered? I'm not talking about your friends, family, or even your eugoogolizer, but about a God who loves, and constantly knocks at the door. Why not let Him in? It's scary and it's not fun when your heavenly Father sees your crap and what makes you tick, but if anyone's going to be your greatest advocate, your Lord and Savior might by a pretty good choice. Praise God that Christ constantly sits at His right hand, interceding for us. We are not worthy.

New bands I'm listening to that are pretty awesome...

Birds & Cages by Deas Vail

Great, melodic band with some awesome piano parts to many of their songs and very deep messages with most of the lyrics.

That Was Then, This Is Now by Chasen

Solid is about all I can say about this band. They're just good all around for a Christian alternative/punk band.

Of Men and Angels by The Rocket Summer

Dude, this isn't even a group, it's one guy playing everything. I'm curious what he looks like live. His voice is weirdly high, but that doesn't really through me because he's also a great songwriter.

Going about my business

I've been taking a reprieve from much serious academic work recently. Which is a blessing, because Greek and Latin took it to me last semester. I feel great after the grades and work that I put in, but my brain was definitely fried, to say the least. So having a job in construction has been great. It allows me to work out what was missing much of last semester, which has been long periods of thought to myself. Now I do need to think a bit for mowing lawns, but after about week two it's all muscle memory.

So here we are, me having long periods of time to think and plenty of time to muse about whatever. Here goes.

-It's become increasingly true that my relationship with God is getting a serious overhaul. As I surrender more to God, He is faithful to provide. I'm ashamed to say that my day to days for a long time were not marked with any real need for a relationship. To be honest, my lone wolf tendencies have and I assume will still be something to fight when I talk with God. However, recently, I've resolved to make the fight for life itself be revolved more around coming to my Savior like a child wanting to find a true father than a wayward son to an estranged patron.

-People are so important. They allow me to have time to verbalize what ails me. Because so often when I speak with God, my words are silent and I feel like that takes away from how you deal with problems. The difficulty is that it's much harder to see the blessings in your struggles when you are given no perspective but your own. It is in these sorts of things that I have especially seen God uses people, sinful wretches just like me, to His glory.

-The very aspect of language has begun to intrigue me more and more. Perhaps it's been the veritable torture everyone assumes I've put on myself through the years of Greek and Latin, but to be honest, it's those sorts of things that truly teach me. My interest started out just wanting to know more about a period of time that fascinates me, why did such great cultures begin their rise and hit the height of their time right as Christ was about to be born? It's like the world was anticipating something wonderful about to happen. Like the excitement of a child on Christmas morning right before the presents are opened, the universe itself was gearing itself up to house it's own maker. Astonishing.

Words to live by

Redemption by August Burns Red

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken. Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.