My, it has been quite a long time since I dipped my pen into the general blogosphere. I mean, I've had my few posts on what my friend M and I have affectionately referred to as the "Ross blog" dedicated to the quirks and tendencies that define our campus minister, but outside of that, I've been relatively quiet on these sorts of posts. Part of that has been intentional, since I've been rather busy with graduating from university as well as trying to figure out what to do with the time thereafter, but now seems as apt time as ever to pick up the quill and start anew. To be honest, reading through some of my earlier posts and half-finished wanderings didn't inspire the best confidence in my ability to put coherent thought to the page, but I've got a great deal on my mind at present and so here's to another valid attempt.
Change
Change has been the most effectual theme in my life the last few months. At one point, you figure life kind of just throws you a bone, that all the praying, asking, and thinking things through with God, friends, and mentors will eventually manifest in some sort of directional fruit leaving a trail of crumbs off to your next adventure. Well, it's not exactly been like that for me. My life sort of hit a wall and try as I might to break myself and slow down, life kind of dragged me into it all the same. The first block was my breakup. A big part of that stemmed from my desire to spend time apart figuring out where life was going to take either of us. Unfortunately, from that grew a level of disconnect with a community that I had regularly called "home" for almost three years at school. While I'd seen this phenomena happen to other friends, I thought that through careful planning I might be able to rectify the problem and simply side-step the issue staring me straight in the face. Well, as luck would have it, the wall in front of me was a good deal wider than I gave credit, and so I crashed into and through it to the rather chagrin of my friends around me. What became increasingly apparent was that my greatest problem with this issue was that I had naturally assumed that all my careful planning and considering would eventually pan out into a healthy solution for all involved. What became even more clear to me as I look back is that what semblance of control I had convinced myself into banking on was all the more grains of sand sifting through my fingers. As one by one they would fall through, I felt the agonizing desire to pick them up, as if I could reclaim them from the swells of beach around me and through this futile effort, I felt very alone. Part of me wanted to blame people, part of me God, as if they had all let me down by letting these things fall where they may instead of helping me keep it all on track. But through all of this I realized that there was little I could say if my desire was focused on this sense of control I so craved for my life and not on what really mattered; just living.
There's a funny saying that I read the other day parodied off a South Park ski instructor that says "If you listen to the lyrics of a song when you're going through a breakup, you're gonna have a bad time." And this was absolutely true for me. I drew all and everything I was doing, whether it be bad or good, back to my perceived failure in this singular relationship. In essence, I was perpetuating my the stagnation I perceived in my own life by trying to hold onto things that in the long run were not the end of my world. I remember quite clearly sitting in my room saying "not like this, not like this" as the breakdown of the plan I had for how this whole situation was going to work was eating me alive. Now there is still hurting that needs to be dealt with but I feel like there is definitely something to a simple outlook on how life moves onward. If anything's taught me that life is better having been lived than managed, it's been the last three months.
In a sermon that I recently listened to by Tim Keller on Suffering, I found one of his points especially poignant. Part of the reason why I found it so apt was perhaps because it was something my mother has been saying for years. Keller pointed out that when Paul prayed for churches he wrote to, he was faithful to pray not that they're circumstances would be taken from them, but that they would find the strength of heart or spirit to work through whatever life puts in their way. My mom would often say "The only person you can change is yourself."
So that's where I find myself, a man with a different outlook (note, not a "new outlook" since I don't believe there's anything "new" about what I've said here) on life then when I'd even begun my last semester of college, much less something I could say I knew once I graduated. To all those who've felt similarly, I hope you find that these words resonate at some level. Cheers and God bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment