Reading

Memoirs of Marcus Aurelius

Blog posts will follow...

Something funny happened on the way to hell...

Christ saved me.

This morning, I looked at my computer and I saw a box for the first time. I did not see a crutch. I did not see a way for me to feel better about myself for the way I was able to talk well to people, enunciate my position well, or goodness knows, to abuse a girl with the way I looked her over across the internet. I took a step back and I was aghast. I thought to myself "I wanted that? I desired that? Who am I?" I want the love of Christ! I want Jesus! I want my family to know that I live for him. I don't want a complement on my music, my books, or my hair. I want Jesus Christ to strip me clean of my sorrow, shame, pride, and hate. God, give me every desire of my heart in tune to your will. I fail without you. I HAVE failed without you. I put my faith in so many things, that they were trustworthy and good. Foolishness. Just foolishness. God I deserve none of the gifts from which you have brought me to you. None of my life up to now is deserving of your praise till now. Now is the day. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like but I want to be different and you will bring me there. I'm done working on my own. That was folly. You are my only support and crutch. God give me peace and then God give me the strength and constitution to do what is necessary. Amen.

Desires of the Heart

Grace is something not hoped for.

Grace is not achieved.

Grace is not owed.

Grace is not expected.

Grace looks down its weary head.

Grace gives when there's nothing left.

Grace is my only hope.

Grace is my greatest failure.

Grace is where the heart is.

Grace has more to say.

Grace is the only way.

Grace bears the pain.

Grace stops the rain.

Grace reaches in and gives back your life.

Grace is your breath when you've no strength to fight.

Grace is my treasure, my hope, and my love.

Grace shows me my Father above.

"The Truth" by Lecrae

Awesome Song

This song right here is for everybody out there looking for truth
And who says, ya know, we all in the same boat
Christians, Muslims, everybody like that…(yo)
You’re looking for truth
(Oh) I got some answers man
(So good to me) uh…let’s get into it.

Let’s go…
Night and day I ain’t scared to sayin we different
They play the prostitute, but they like to say they just intimate
Idols in their heart, they can’t seem to lose the grip on it
Seem em walking in the direction they can get crippled with?
Our world is different like Whitley and Wayne, mayne
They say we look the same, but we ain’t chasin the same thing
It all boils down to they think everything is relative
Jesus might as well be a South American president
Very evident…they say that Jesus was heaven sent
They lifestyle reflects that they worship theyself instead of him
They don’t acknowledge the Christ
If they did, they wouldn’t worship themselves by the way that they live
All these rappers say they got guns that spray of 16
I got a Luke 9 that can take all 16
That’s the Bible, the one they call
But they don’t care about the author, They think he’s a joke

Man, see some folks say, "All truth is relative, it just depends on what you believe." You know, "hey man, ain't no way to know for sure who God is or what's really true." But that means you believe your own statement; that there's no way to know what's really true. You're saying that that statement is true. You're killing yourself. If what's true for you is true for you and what's true for me is true for me, what if my truth says your's is a lie? Is it still true? Come on man!

I promise everybody is askin the same questions, “Who am I? What is my purpose and my direction?”
Probably believe that you exist for no other reason
Than self satisfaction, hedonism, and pleasing things
Life’s about you gettin yours and being happy
Even if it means a divorce and switchin families?
Your job, your house, your car, your spouse
It’s all for the glory of you…else you out
You go to school, get ya degrees, and get a job
So you can make a whole lot of cheese, cuz life’s hard
You never thought of livin to please a real God
And that’s the reason He made you
(See) He gave you breath to breathe, the chest to breathe it
So you can taste and see He’s the best, believe it
He made us for His glory, and not for your own, homie
Our God is holy…you should repent and die slowly…

See, there's this thing called "Secular Humanism", it says man is the source of all meaning and all purposing. You know what i'm saying? We're just the result of a big cosmic explosion. We don't really have a purpose or meaning, so we just come up with our own purpose. We're the source of our meaning and our purpose. How can a man, which is the product of chance, a finite being be the source of purpose and meaning? You can't! You're created with purpose man! Get with The Creator yo!

Man, everybody got a problem with God
And when you mention the Christ, then they really get to turning the knob
But some say they roll with Christ
Cuz some rappers made him seem like He was cool with all the sin in they life
No!
But then some say, “How could God exist when all this evil stuff in the world keep persistin?”
Wrong question, ask again
How come God ain’t let you feel the wrath from sin?
What you thought last night deserves a first class flight to Hell
Where God doesn’t dwell, you got that right
But he brought back life on that cross that night
Christ died
You ain’t know that it cost that price?
All of God’s anger poured on His Son
Been together through all eternity
Now He was shun
Praise God for the life that was won for us
Ain’t got a beef with God because the Son was Christ

Look, man, some people say that God ain't real 'cause they don't see how a good God can exsist with all this evil in the world. If God is real then He should stop all this evil, 'cause He's all-powerful right? What is evil though man? It's anything that's against God. It's anything morally bad or wrong. It's murder, rape, stealing, lying, cheating. But if we want God to stop evil, do we want Him to stop it all or just a little bit of it? If He stops us from doing evil things, what about lying, or what about our evil thoughts? I mean, where do you stop, the murder level, the lying level, or the thinking level? If we want Him to stop evil, we gotta be consistent, we can't just pick and choose. That means you and I would be eliminated right? Because we think evil stuff. If that's true, we should be eliminated! But thanks be to God that Jesus stepped in to save us from our sin! Christ died for all evilness! Repent, turn to Jesus man!"

No Russian

In the newly released game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, there is a mission creating much disturbance in the gaming community. In essence, the level has your character acting as a double agent for the CIA but being forced to witness a terrorist massacre of hundreds of civilians in an airport so that you don't blow your cover. Now, the game does not reward you for killing anyone and it even allows you to skip the mission altogether if you wish to not engage in unnecessary violence.

However, my opinion, having played through the level myself and even killing one or two people in the level, I'm not going to take either road that this ought vilianize the developers at Infinity Ward or that there is an excuse for someone to take some twisted pleasure in killing innocents. Now playing through the campaign again, I skipped the level because I felt one time was enough. I know what happens and experiencing it again isn't something I seriously wanted to engage in.

In the end, I want to just take a step back and see what exactly was created in this gaming experience put together over one of the most impersonal genres in gaming, the FPS. In this game, your character is either shot point blank or stabbed to where the person you control visibly dies. This is also the series that had you fight a mission and then witness the detonation of a nuclear weapon in a city with you still in it. The next scene allows you to walk or crawl around until you bleed out and the level ends. These sorts of experiential media are what constitute the future of the gaming genre. At some point there will always be the games that allow you to step into the shoes of some fantasy life or individual but I believe that the games that fully immerse you into its story and characters is that which will be remembered and thought about for years to come.

Language, or Lack Thereof (from the book, Endangered Minds: Why Our Children Don't Think by Jane Healy)

What distinguishes humans from lower forms of life? Is it the capacity for emotion, community, or motor skills? Can a chimp convince his fellow ape as well as any orator or lawyer? Do the gorillas have their own Cicero or Demosthenes?

My seriously pointed questions simply serve to alleviate the tendency that we have as individuals in a thoroughly modern society to continue to kick our own language to the curb, so to speak. Speaking as one guilty of this practice more than I'd care to admit, what is the point of listening to our iPods for hours? What does it create but monotonous rhythms and, for the most part, some of the most simplistic uses of the English language I've ever heard. Though any pop music today could be victimized for the purpose of illuminating my point, I'd rather speak to the heart of what this tendency creates.

Have you ever had that feeling that you're just not able to get your point across? I might say that I've met people who live their whole existences not having the capacity to communicate well. Is this yet so strange? A life of being taught by our televisions or society's rock stars can produce nothing but such a grasp on the English language.

I'm aware by taking this stance that there are those that would seek to defend this supposed unrighteous victimization of that which they hold dear. Why shouldn't they? I would too if my life was bent around the things which these individuals have chosen to influence their minds(and I would say that at some times my mind has indeed been wrapped around simplistic pursuits). Hear me out. The brain is separated into two halves, right and left. The left is in control of the logical/analytical concepts and the right in control of imagination/emotion. Music and television, that simply serve to entertain or grasp your attention, rarely engage the left side of the brain. Because we as children were opened up to the world of such media at such an early age, it remains that much harder for adults to enforce good learning/education habits that will last longer than the classroom. How can teachers or parents fight against the juggernauts of pop music or the action movie? A song with a completely repetitive chorus edges itself into the now right-emphasized brain of a teen/college student much easier than a quality book or an important thesis.

So what can we do? Well, this is a message to anyone in charge of younger kids, who have this chance to make a difference. Because only so much can be done for older children who've already made up their minds on matters of the mind. Let's not make the intellectual an endangered species before their time.

Suffering

Romans 5

That's pretty much it, we suffer because God deems us able to endure and continue to improve in all things beneficial unto ourselves. What I mean here is one of two types of suffering. There is one that you can experience and then learn to live with in the future and then there is the one that is solely destructive of a person. Non-Christians and Christians alike are often confused as to this sort of dichotomy as if God wouldn't want people to go through the second type of suffering. Often we as Christians are all too eager to defend the first kind because we can "see it coming" or at very least we can "explain it away." But honestly, isn't that the same sort of thing that James talks about when he says even demons believe in God? Even the most hardened atheist can attribute good things to be taken from hard experiences. What the hardened atheist can not reconcile is what happens when a love one dies or when an individual learns of a terminal condition. To this they can only shrug their collective shoulders and chalk your situation up to Darwin being a jerk. Love God for the hard times, for it is there that he is at his closest. You may not feel it, and if that's the case I kinda want to blame you but compassion is something that I already struggle with anyway.

God is there! He wants you SO much to love Him. He's there in the troughs and valleys of life! Oh...my gosh [insert Ross Dixon's voice]. I'm yelling now because this is my prayer as well. It's my prayer recently to pursue God in a way that shows how I'm relying on him when I face struggles. But yeah, it's not easy. God supposedly gets this rap as being unapproachable and there's this book called God's Way of Peace by Horatius Bonar that takes this problem and discusses this beautifully. Because what we don't want to realize is that it's our fault, or at least Adam's. Sin distances us from God and creates strife in our lives. God says that we can find rest in him but this thing called sin has distanced us. Christ and his work on the cross is THE way and THE truth and THE life for peace in a world that's too messed up for any other explanation.

Thine eye diffused a quick'ning ray...

Quick Hit: That line for my title is my favorite semblance of words in the human language. From Milton's Paradise Lost, it's part of his Invocation to Light, a work which I have memorized on two occasions but can only remember one and a half stanzas interestingly enough.

I digress, the real reason why I'm posting up here is that I haven't for a while and that I would like to get the creative juices flowing before I'm to be expected to write full-time for school. Life's been awesome and God has been there the entire way. Between being cool enough to bring some great friends into my life and providing the opportunity of a sweet job for me to put my energies into, God has been faithful to equip me with all I've needed this summer. In the end, there's very little I wouldn't have wanted to happen this summer that did (minus almost being laid up twice with bee stings, but hey, it happens).

Also, favorite song recently has been The Last Night by Skillet. They played it at Rock the River and I thought it simply rocked.

Hmmmm

So, if God is love, than it sounds to me like the description of love about being patient and kind should apply to Him. Thus, there's that whole thing about not holding a record of wrongs. Now, how does this coincide with purgatory? The entire concept doesn't ring completely true for me. Also, the idea that I can bring myself closer to God through my own actions aren't exactly kosher either. My view of it all is this; God wants nothing more than to have a relationship with his children. Our sin and subsequent attitudes prevent us from fully accepting this amazing gift and thus forcing ourselves to live on our own (think Moses striking the rock). The more we allow God to work on our lives, the more we are able to do three things.

A. We gain a better appreciation of God's love for us.

B. We get a better understanding of the work God did through his Son, Jesus Christ.

C. We end coming closer by sacrificing more of the control over our own lives and embracing the confidence we gain by knowledge of our relationship with Christ

I just can't see how anything I actively do can allow for any more grace or a better life after I die. I feel like that would limit the faith I have in God and the cross.

When It's All Gone

Life as it is

God is awesome, just wanted to put out that APB if any doubters were out there. For those close to me, it has been hard for me recently because I've simply felt pretty down on myself because of my failure to maintain a solid relationship with a girl. And I know that it's dumb, but I felt empty when there wasn't this other individual that I could feel a bond with. And there were so many reasons why, that I just couldn't see why God was holding this away from me. One wouldn't be interested in me, another I only liked as a friend and knew that it wouldn't last, and another woulbe simply be with someone else and I'm not going to be "that" guy, y'know?

Oh well, either way, I was and am tired of it. But you know what? God's timing is so above and beyond my own that I can do nothing but give it all to him. Because I've learned this in the last year that when I sacrifice any of my own persona and pride invested in what I try to accomplish, then God may do great things with it. And why not do the same with my dating relationships? It seems so obvious at this low point for me that I can't help but chuckle. Because there were so many opportunities for me that I either effed up or just let go by.

God, I'm here at this point and frustrated to no end. But you are great and exalted above all others. You are the ultimate lover and relationship-leader. You are faithful to a fault and more caring and tender than the most passionate lover could ever be or write on a page. We can only grasp blindly at and come so short of how You held your bride to your breast and never let her go. I've been broken down and humbled to the breaking point where I was ready to explode and destroy any possibility of hope. But you are faithful to forgive and raise up your servants when they sit in the desert place bereft of love and peace. Why was I so easily able to just take my relationship with you for granted and push it away? Well, it didn't work out well as you must have known for now I sit here like Jonah after the weed withered away in my own filth and feel silly for it all.

Lord, I've failed in all regards. I've taken girls for granted and slandered the names of those I cared for by engaging in all sorts of porn and what not that I didn't deserve their care from the beginning. I give it all to you and reside in your care for the time being. Hold onto my heart and let not a girl take it away as if it were something for sale or barter so easily as I would be taken for her at the first moment. "Love at first sight" will not be in my vocabulary. God, I'm yours wholly and fully. Do what you will and give me the peace you promise to all those that call your name. Amen.

Cheesy song to finish up with but I like it

Perhaps

Perhaps I don't think as much during summer. Maybe other people are just more constructive with their time. Nevertheless, I haven't written almost anything to this blog in the past month or so. Working a lot tends to do that to you. Anyway, relaxing recently for me has been dusting off my Rome: Total War disks and playing a mod of the game called Roma Surrectum ("Rome Rising") which took great lengths to make it seem as if you're really fighting as Rome. I'm also part way through Michael Curtis Ford's "The Sword of Attila," about the last days of the empire up to the Hun invasion. It's really good but I can't read it for too long without wanting to live it out myself through RTW. Oh well, at least I don't have battle formations going through my head when I mow lawns at work. Oh wait, I do.

It's a dangerous thing, walking out your front door...

Well, I must first apologize, I haven't read anything of substance since summer started. Working 40 hours a week tends to do that to you. I'm burnt out every day and only really want to get some bball work out in afterwards. On the other hand, I'm filling out really well. Fingers crossed that I can gain between five and ten pounds of muscle before the end of the summer. Unfortunately, my dreams of playing Div-I bball as a walk on are slowly diminishing as I get better, ironically enough. Every time I play well with the guys I usually hang out with, I realize how much harder I would have to play to get to the level of guys who live, sleep, and breathe around the rim (Kim English, a fellow sophomore, for one). Either way, I'm going to look to be one of the better intramural players next year and hopefully build on that going into Junior/Senior year. I'm also gonna need to get a solid team together that's dedicated to getting better every year as well. Oh well, it all takes work, something I'm taking a deep breath from today with all this rain. Soli Deo Gloria.

Dreaming in Red

Great song, btw. Anyway, I'm here as a hopeful supplicant to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Dudes....dudettes, we need to get up. I'm not saying in the way we stand up in church, put our hand up in the air cuz we see that girl next to me who's doing the same thing so I want to be like her cuz she must have more Jesus than I do. No, I'm saying we stand up, strap on our armor of God, and make a difference. I mean, COME....ON!!! You're killing me. You're like Dexter McCleon when he played for the Rams and got burned deep every single time they challenged him over the top. That or he got pass interference and let the other team just waltz down the field. Yeah, we keep singing about how Christians have not loved Christ as we ought, but I would say we don't deserve to be called Christians (AKA "Little Christs") the way we've sold ourselves short. Dang it, I'm frustrated with how badly I've screwed up and now I'm taking it out on you. Oh well, then let me at least plead with you to not make my same mistake. Wear your faith like a calling card almost like those Obama crazies did around election time (sorry for those who felt offended by that, but you really were). And when they come down on you for what you believe, look up John 15:18-19 first before blaming me for not giving you fair warning. Good luck, brothers and sisters and may His face shine upon you, and give you peace. Amen.

To Be Real Men

Great talk by Mark Driscoll.

Linkage

The Love for God

I envy them their public love. I myself have only known it in secret, shared it in secret and longed, aw longed to show it- to be able to say out loud what they have no need to say at all: That I have loved only you, surrendered my whole self reckless to you and nobody else. That I want you to love me back and show it to me. That I love the way you hold me, how close you let me be to you. I like your fingers on and on, lifting, turning. I have watched your face for a long time now, and missed your eyes when you went away from me. Talking to you and hearing you answer- that's the kick.

But I can't say that aloud; I can't tell anyone that I have been waiting for this all my life and that being chosen to wait is the reason I can. If I were able I'd say it. Say make me, remake me. You are free to do it and I am free to let you because look, look. Look where your hands are. Now.

-from Jazz by Toni Morrison

When reading this and considering writing on it because it meant a bit to me, I figured there were two ways to really take this. I can either take a more personal/online journal approach and appeal to the great parts of this quote that I would have of my own love life but another side of me wants to make evidence of the love of Christ and how I have failed more in this regard, because I honestly have. In more ways then I care to literally relate specifically (something only God truly deserves in my opinion), I have taken the great name of my Father and strewn in through the mud. 

I mean, look at what Morrison's presenting here: a love that was once in secret, built on the little intricacies of a feeling turned into words and actions. But in the end, it's coming to fruition takes place in a very public sense. We as Christians are to be known by our love but how are they to see it if not through a public iteration of the feeling we have for our Lord and Savior? Now, I'm not arguing for works or public professions to be part of what brings about our salvation, but if we are truly saved, are we not to be living out a life that makes evidence to God? Morrison says, "But I can't say that aloud; I can't tell anyone that I have been waiting for this all my life and that being chosen to wait is the reason I can. If I were able I'd say it. Say make me, remake me. You are free to do it and I am free to let you because look, look. Look where your hands are. Now." Now how is that not something we should seek to have from our Savior? Perhaps this is part of how I've felt so long with God, this hesitancy, that makes this quote more real for me. Either way, I've gotta feel that this should be part of a Christian's very personal relationship with Christ. 

Deinos

Here it is in two again, I

Thought you had the cure, guess not.

I guess I already said good-bye, 

And for payment my heart is caught.

I smelled it there as plain as day,

Without thinking 'twould be part three.

But look what happend amongst my play.

For passing GO I'll pay a fee.

I picked the car but got the boot,

No thimble'd cover up this roll,

Jail Free Card but when 'twas that moot?

Three rolls paired and I'll rescind control.

I know this seems lame or absurd

But just look around and see? I'm right. 

But after this I should have learned

To know when men have lost their fight.

This is it and I'm done for real.

In future cases count to ten,

For that's the number of appeal

And this the week that I've begun.

-Untitled-

I speak of art, and time, and sea,
And yet hold fast to none but this:
That God was raised upon a tree,
And silenced death with a loving kiss.

Throughout my life I held the same
Of God, and life, and all the world.
But lo', how would I know when came
A rose ere blooming did I hold?

I hold it true through time and space,
That none but His love 'twould I need.
Though deep inside my every pace,
I strain to a call that all pay heed.

I'd love this Eve but hear me speak.
She holds no face, she bends no knee.
This rose of that which I should seek,
Knows no infidelity.

Troy's prince he felt for much the same,
And if those dying beneath his feet,
Only knew for which cause they came.
What, for whose face Troy felt defeat?

I've found the burden of Paris,
And have felt the pain of Priam.
Please tell me what I ought have done,

And what else called for me to run?

If all I sought was just a smile,

You'd see my mouth and eyes unfurl.

Yet here you see my heart in view,

And I'm sad to say it's torn in two.

Life

First off, God is good. Nuf' said. He died and rose that I may live.

Now that that's been established, life is a whole other story. Life is there to really do exactly the opposite to you. Life is there to take it out of you and really break you down. I'm not gonna say that there aren't good parts of life but really, who's got your back when the chips are down? Who's actually going to pick up that cross that you know you can't carry? Christ did not merely empathize with humanity like your friends/parents/peers can only do. Christ actually did everything we couldn't and then gave it all up so we could have what He's had before time began. When you have something good going for you, the only thing sometimes, we want to hold onto it as tightly as we can, and why not? Christ sacrificed all we never could and in that I find comfort. 

Band Review: 38th Parallel

Some of you may remember a band called Five Iron Frenzy. They were a Christian alternative band that featured some cool brass parts. Unfortunately, they broke up after not becoming all that successful but for those of us that listened to them, they still rock. 38th Parallel is like this but double or triple that. Because as far as I know, they only have one CD, Turn the Tides. This CD is chock full of great lyrics and an overall well done rock sound. There are so many great songs on this CD that I can't really name all of it but say that you have to listen to all of it. Some of them deal with trying to attain God, some about how it feels once you've done that, and some about how it feels to be away from your Lord and Savior and have to come humbly to him on your face. Sound-wise, it's a bit of POD and Pillar combined with a lot deeper message. For some reason, those other bands sometimes sound like their lyrics are kind of tertiary. That is certainly not so for 38th. Anyway, check it out, no excuse not to.

***** out of *****

CD Link

Another Great Song: Say The Word by The Classic Crime

I had months to write a song
That captured who you are
But I fear I have done you wrong
Because I've failed you so far
The chord that struck, an angel fell
The sky went dark and it all comes down
The choices made, the lies forgotten
Oh, well

This is the way that I know
This is the way that I know
I would give everything for some hope
Are you different, could I be different too?
Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do

There's a song outside my window
And it plays to your tune
And there's a life inside this pencil
And it lives for what is true
Cause I am lost for words, the cost for her
Was way to much to bear
You're not perfect, but I don't care

This is the way that I know
This is the way that I know
I would give everything for some hope
Are you different, could I be different too?
Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do

Are you different, could I be different too?
Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do

Say the word, say the word
Are you different, could I be different too?
Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do

Yeah, woah

Are you different, could I be different too?
Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do
Are you different, could I be different too?
Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do

Great Song: "Who Needs Air" by The Classic Crime

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young, we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
'Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
'Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

So take me down to the river like a little child,
And take my hand and tell me it's okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew myself until I ripped off my disguise
(I ripped off my disguise).

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
'Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
'Cause when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
(I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more then the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.)

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
'Cause when you got what I got, what I got
I don't need air
(True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics
of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don't need anything. You don't need anything.)

I don't need air

What I'm Excited About Right Now, Of This Very Moment

I'm learning Greek and you're not. Because you wouldn't understand. People ask me why I do it. They say, "What, you just want to pick the most out there major ever?" or "What are you, some kind of eternal nerd who can't get his head out of the past?" You simply don't know me if you're asking me that. I'm the kid that when my parents said I had to take Latin in 7th grade why I couldn't take Greek instead. I've spent close to the last ten years of my life waiting to do this stuff and I'm still hungry for more. Honestly, it doesn't matter how hard or how long it takes, I will finish this stuff and I will do it well. Am I taking a pay cut because no one wants to hire a Classical Language/History double major? Maybe. Does a part of me care? Definitely. But another part tells me that there is simply no other pursuit that makes sense. You can point at math and show me how the universe works but I will hopefully be able to point to the Word of God and eliminate half of my confusion to whether parts of it should be taken seriously or not because I can see exactly which word the writers chose to use. I'm not in a competition here to the best major but I want to better myself more than anything else I could learn. To me, that isn't about reactionary education, where it's focuse on problem solving but I want to be able to speak on and hold conversation that's highly connected to the past and bears the weight of those who came before me. See, outside of the fact that I can't do advanced math well or even understand a lot of what makes it work, I feel like I can get discredited when outside of my own "Classic" bubble. Oh well, your loss. Now, back to writing a paper on Rear Window, finishing my analysis of Eliot's The Waste Land, and wondering when to start my History homework by reading Plutarch's Life of Alexander. Yeah, that's what's up.

The Classic Crime

Link to New CD

Really liked this new band. Kind of a mix between alternative and harder rock but it's all pretty good. Great if I'm in a mood where I don't particularly care to listen that intently but still great to get stuff done to. Not all that deep, but I've got to listen to more of it before I really can pick a favorite song. 

Mizzou Sports

This year has unquestionably been my most enjoyable as a college sports fan. Both football and basketball have gotten onto the national stage and performed well everything considered. Football was obviously a diappointment but if you figure that the only reason you have those expectations are because the team is so good, then you've got something to be excited about (especially moving forward with an established program). My appreciation for the football team can't really be expressed well enough because they've finally given us hope. Major props go out to the three seniors that stuck it through the tough times when Anderson inherited the fiasco that was the Quin Snyder era. Three years, five players susupended for a fight, and benching of your leading scorer later, you've got yourself an Elite Eight force that plays tough with two of the top five teams in the nation. And we're even more excited to see them moving forward as well because we're returning seven players who played more than ten minutes a game. Now all we need to do is sign Jarrid Famous and we're going to be a great team next year as well. A team that was picked to be in the top seven of it's CONFERENCE and now sits proudly in the top eight teams in the COUNTRY have a lot to be happy about. It's been a pleasure watching all 41 wins from both programs and I couldn't be happier with either.

Exhaustion, the good kind

APB to everyone, Tim's tired. I just am. Well, I just got back from the Rec so I'm physically tired but overall, I'm pretty much done with stuff. I can't wait for Spring Break cuz I'm just going to crash. Thus, my plan is to spread out all studying so I'm never forced to work for a long time. Last Friday was an anomaly. I put off my Hum. 2114H final till the day of and literally worked for 6 hours straight to finish it. Props to Liz Demse for keeping me focused cuz I never would have finished it without her. Anyway, just wanted peeps to know, Tim is tired, do not expect the best work if you ask favors or whatever else. School is going to be one and done. Sorry, Prof. Worthington, you're questions may just go unanswered during class tomorrow night. 

Seacrest, out.

Possible new format

I'm thinking I'm going to dapple in the vid-log format next school year while "borrowing" my future roommates compy to record/edit them. I figure that would cut down on the sheer amount of writing that people would have to read (Read? Tim, I don't read. I need to be talked to or I'm completely out of it. Hehehe, don't worry, mate, I've got your back).

The Awesomeness of Watchmen

Link

"The only person with whom I felt any kinship with died three hundred years before the birth of Christ. Alexander of Macedonia, or Alexander the Great, as you know him."

"Well, it was unprecedented. I wanted... *needed* to match his accomplishments, and so I resolved to apply antiquity's teaching to our world, *today*. And so began my path to conquest. Conquest not of men, but of the evils that beset them. "

-Adrian "Ozymandias" Veidt

And to remind any former Wildwood students....

I met a traveller from an antique land, 
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone 
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, 
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown 
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command, 
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read, 
Which yet survive stamped on these lifeless things, 
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed; 
.And on the pedestal these words appear: 
'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; 
Look on my works, Ye Mighty, and despair!' 
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay 
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare 
The lone and level sands stretch far away. 

-Percy Bysshe Shelley

House of Heroes

Never got a link to a playlist so here it is.

Also, here are my favorite lyrics. Don't have a favorite song yet.

"Field of Daggers"

In this unending war, I've lost so many brothers.
The coldest hours come before morning.
With every drop of blood,
Spilled in this field of daggers,
Bring many sons of heaven to glory.
Until Your rains, O God, 
Bring forth Your colored beauty,
Confirm the hopes of nations in longing.

I see a new day coming.
Maybe tomorrow.
Woe to the king of nothing.

I see a new day coming!
Maybe tomorrow...
Woe to the king of nothing.
I see a clean blood running,
Brothers of sorrow.
Here is your kingdom coming!
Here is your kingdom coming!

Spread wide Your wings, O God,
Relieve this scarlet fever,
Catch every tear of mothers in mourning.
Bring life to tired hopes,
Buried in fields of flowers,
Bring many sons of battle to glory.
With every drop of blood,
Caged in this tired body,
I long to bring my father to glory.

I see a new day coming!
Maybe tomorrow...
Woe to the king of nothing.
I see a clean blood running,
Brothers of sorrow.
Here is your kingdom coming!
Here is your kingdom coming!

(Who holds the key?)

He was and is.
He is and is to come.
He was and is.
He is and is to come.
He holds the key. 

Baby Einstein

What would would all the great thinkers of our time look like before they got to where we always see them in history books? I'm thinking like Nietzsche, Freud, Lewis, Tolkien, Descartes, Aristotle and others like them. But of course they need to be transposed into a medium we can all understand; that's right, high school.

Wow

How about that, it's like Muse, Red Jumpsuit, Ludo, and a little Beatles. Never seen a band like them that sounds so much like other music I listen to but still remain autonomous to their own style. Who are they? They are House of Heroes. New CD=The End Is Not The End. Buy it, find it, but just listen to this band. 

Lecrae "Will You Take Me as I Am"

Great song that I have tried to take to heart. It's a great one to counter hypocrisy and those who never feel they're good enough for parents, friends, or even less towards their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

Link to the song

Its 5:46 in the morning; tossin and turnin; chest burnin; sermons in my head keep reoccurring; havin visions in my head of a kid cryin at the feet of the father for all the wrong things that he did; now im sweatin in my sheets, cant sleep; my mind keeps
tellin me im 6 feet deep; dont remind me; even though im still alive i cant tell; the way im livin my life i feel im goin to hell; god, they tellin me i should except you; that you had to leave the world cause the world left you; reason i cant change; li
ke a mystery to me; so i make-believe there really is a heaven for a g; even though they say you loved the world so much you shed your blood; god, i feel im too messed up for love; they tell me come as i am; but i smell like smoke; my whole life is full
of sin cause its all i know; the bible told me you died for my sins; if i believe in Christ to save me from the end; but im scared to ask you to save me; my heart so weable; ive got thoughts just full of hatred; hurt from people; i thought that first i h
ad to clean up my light; now im here and i just gotta clean to the light; im ready to do it but, i pray you understand; my life is a mess, will you take me as i am

Will you take me as i am; i know the way im livin is wrong, but i cant change on my own tryin to make it alone; i wonder, how could u love me with my life so ugly; when you came down and died for me.Will you take me as i am; i know the way im livin is wr
ong, but i cant change on my own tryin to make it alone; i wonder, how could u love me with my life so ugly; when you came down and died for me.

im still tryin to be the man my daddy ever taught me to be; im grown up now, life aint what i thought it would be; i made many mistakes in my past i cant fix; now im starin at this crucifix, tainted on my wrist; is it true what they tellin me am i just c
razy; did you bleed on the cross for my sins to save me; but why would you die for me; my whole life ive been workin for Satan while he fed lies to me; and now im hearin too much; tryin to get in true touch; about a love that can change me; im all screwe
d up; figured hell is what i deserve; but ur word says we all fall shook; so i guess we all owe a bird; teach me i want to learn; how you can save a wretch like me before death sends its last turn; i think i finally understand; no matter my past you'll s
till take me as i am.

Will you take me as i am; i know the way im livin is wrong, but i cant change on my own tryin to make it alone; i wonder, how could u love me with my life so ugly; when you came down and died for me.Will you take me as i am; i know the way im livin is wr
ong, but i cant change on my own tryin to make it alone; i wonder, how could u love me with my life so ugly; when you came down and died for me. Will you take me as i am.

i had a few last words to give; ive been tellin people the reason to live, the reason to die; united with the king of the sky; this life is passin us by, ive got no reason to lie; you'll never give the world enough; they'll hunger for more; there fixin t
here ways of nothin to settle the score; more security than the man who left you; or more love than the mommas who kept you; he'll always except you; be everything your supposed to; let christ rule your heart mind body and soul because he chose you; and 
if the world dont know you; it dont matter, your god's child and he'll never disown you; your purpose on earth is far from worthless; thats why you glorify like your lifes been purchased; and it dont matter if the world dont see us; we still mean the wor
ld to jesus.

Will you take me as i am; i know the way im livin is wrong, but i cant change on my own tryin to make it alone; i wonder, how could u love me with my life so ugly; when you came down and died for me.Will you take me as i am; i know the way im livin is wr
ong, but i cant change on my own tryin to make it alone; i wonder, how could u love me with my life so ugly; when you came down and died for me. Will you take me as i am. 

Compensation

It's an ugly word. We all do it. I could be done right there because honestly, it's something we all tend to resort to when under stress or pressure, internally or externally. However, what I want to know is "how," because there are a million ways in which we try to come to terms with our own insufficiencies. 

A way I've been recently exposed to is a display of bravado. This is one where it's out in the open for everyone to see and is a direct attack on that which is perceived as a threat to one's own self-worth. These kinds of external moves to redirect blame or embarassment is often called out by others as "trying too hard" or "he's obviously compensating for something" and in a way this takes just a negative connotation. What I propose is for us to come alongside someone who's trying to work through some insecurities of their own whether or not we feel they'd do the same for us. But I digress. 

In the same vein is this attack on something external but is not directed at the threat itself by trying to show off but as an actual cutting down of those who may feel even lower. Now, this may not be someone who's actually feels lower than the other person but may be having an off day and just look like crap and act the same way. This is a more difficult situation to me because often I'm distracted by the aggressors compensation because I feel pity for the person being attacked. Sometimes, I feel as if we should be compelled to come as fellow brothers and sisters to this attacking individual and try to come to terms to what they're dealing with in their life. For me this takes a lot of trust and a solid relationship because rarely do I even open myself to just this sort of correction. This whole thing takes on that saying I'm sure our mothers have told us, "he's just jealous, honey, he's just jealous." And in that your mom makes you feel worse because you couldn't have achieved this by yourself. But once again, I digress. 

The last form of compensating I'm more or less familiar with because this is just such one that I've been known to partake in is completely separating yourself from outside influences because it's simply easier. To me this is one of the easiest to relate to as an outside observer but it can often go on unnoticed for quite a while. Now obviously, an extreme extrovert who suddenly turns into mopey Mervin is going to be easy to spot but subtely, you can draw yourself back and feel on a defense that to me can sometimes turn into an unhealthy situation. For me, this is often something where I'm dealing with an issue in my life on my own and am not willing to let others see it or even try to help me with it if they do catch on that I'm hurting. It can take place in many different ways for different people, I'm just trying to see how it happens and what we can do to fix it.

Now, what am I going to do with this post? I mean, this is a great observation but if it's not going to be applied to any sort of change in my own life, what's the point? Well, my personal encouragement for me and my readers is to do the exact opposite of what I've just wrote. For instance, someone who's cutting down should be looked at from where they are in they're own heart and those who may be going through a time where they are uncomfortable in the community should be brought alongside and given just he helping hand they may not be willing to ask for. I've been told the best sermon is the one the preacher gives to himself and that's exactly what I'm trying to do here. Here I am preaching about compensation but what I'm looking for is that I may incorporate just these changes into my own life and how I interact with those around me.

Failure is an Ugly Thing to Waste

Well, I never thought I would have to do this for this blog, but in hindsight I should have seen it coming. My life can almost be defined from apology to apology; from learned experience to learned experience. However, what happens now is the hardest part in my opinion, and that is where I have to man up and come to terms with my faults and where I go wrong.

This blog was meant to be a place where I could just muse on life and share it in a slightly more open place than a journal. So yeah, that's effectively what this is, a journal of what I think and feel. However, it took on a connotation with something I never wanted it to and that is a burn book. For those not associated with the movie Mean Girls, this would be a place for people to raz on everyone around them to make themselves feel some twisted form of accomplishment. In my recent post, I did just this. I took out my frustrations and anger on an individual I have failed to understand or come to terms with and slandered his name as a fellow man created in God's image. I was wrong and I will deal with the consequences of these actions. 

Once again, I have taken it to heart that I must reserve all that I think and write to this blog to encompass to the cares of all of you, my readers and those whom they care about. If anyone sees me as less of a person because of this, I would not fault you for I am prepared to receive just a reaction as that. Do I have an answer for you? No. There is no answer or logical syllogism that will repair my name as a writer and a man of God. I can only hope that in the future, you may see me as I am, a broken man who has failed to live up to the expectations of those around me.

More music, attributed to Clayton

Imeem playlist with their music

The Wedding

Very solid band with an awesome ability to cross a lot of genres. Really enjoyed all of it. I've yet to give my thanks to Clayton for his recommendation. 

**** out of 5

Reality vs. Hubris (A Post on Personal Musings)

I'm reminded of Dizzy Dean, the famous Cardinals hurler in the 30s, who said, "It's not bragging if it's true." But as much as I feel the need to throw this quote in the faces of everyone who feels that bragging is wrong, I feel it's all a matter of timing. For instance, going back and forth with your buddies makes sense, expecially in response to another's challenge. However, where it all falls apart from what I've seen is this need I've somehow seen to just bring it up in random conversation. Well, maybe that's just about me feeling the need to compensate for some self-imposed inadequacy. Oh well, life goes on. I figure I'll just let what I do well speak for itself. 

New Music (or I feel like I'm churning these posts out like crazy)

CD Preview

I must say I was always of the opinion that The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus was just like any rock band, and they are. Perhaps you were expecting me to change my opinion by TRJA taking a different road in their new CD, Lonely Road, to reinvent themselves as a band. However, that is not the case. The case is that they just perfected that which caught my ear from the beginning. They are always about having semi-catchy tunes to punkish instrumentals. What I'm happy about is that they've put much more stock in the vocals of their frontman, Ronnie Winter. He takes on a lot more challenging series of vocal parts and thus I give him a bunch of credit. 

One last note, I really liked the picture painted by the last song, Godspeed. It reminds me of Sam's considerations of the Haradrim soldier killed in front of him who falls from an oliphaunt. The whole issue of war and the difference in allegiances is a great ending to a solid CD. Pick it up if you have liked even one single of their music, or if you haven't heard them before, check them out and I'm sure you will like them.

Overall rating: **** out of 5

Song Highlights: Represent, Believe, Lonely Road, and Godspeed

<-----Video

This is pretty much what I'm thinking about a lot recently cuz I'm into this thing called boffer club at MU. It's pretty awesome because I get to fight finally. And the guy in this video is really good at it.

Food for Thought, And Drugs to Help

Barry Bonds' IQ is 120, do you think you can beat it? Click Here

         With all these arguments about steroids, it got me thinking; there are drugs that can make you better at school, right? There are enough drugs, over the counter and not, that can help you focus and "perform" better at school. I for one, take a form of Ritalin because it helps a lot in my ability to consciously focus both during homework and out in my community. I can't even count the number of times I've felt the need to just blurt out what was on my mind but felt it much easier to control myself during a time when I was on my meds. However, as it goes for all good things, there exists this need to abuse or at least misuse them. Many stories have been passed around talking about kids getting ADD/ADHD medicine to get that "extra edge" before they study or go in for a test. I've even been asked to sell some of mine to individuals who wanted to be able to either focus better or just get higher grades on a test. 

         So I ask you, my readers, should there be drug testing before kids take the SAT or ACT? If we're talking about unfair advantages, then we certainly should seriously consider implementing this. Honestly, thousands of dollars and the futures of millions of kids' lives are at stake here. Can we truly risk consciously allowing jacked up scores or skewed curves for the entire country? We already have in place ways of allowing those who are allowed certain priviliges based on disabilities (none of which I've appealed to, by the way, as I've never felt the need or desire to be accommodated any differently than my other colleagues in an academic realm), however, are we prepared to come to terms with the fact that there are means, and means used by kids who aren't sometimes old enough to drive,  for a student to get an unfair advantage over their peers of similar ability or work ethic? 

        Finally, and herein lies my final point, what are we telling our next generation if we don't respond appropriately to this issue? If we are not content to let our athletes, those who are paid to play a game, buy and sell what are seen by some to be beneficial drugs; what can we be showing to our children other than applied hypocrisy by looking the other way?

Because Life Needs Balance

I feel compelled to balance my posts with intellectual versus personal (see Musings on Rockferry to see a failed experiment to balance both of them in one post). Well, here's the personal cuz I've been feeling the both today. 

Well, suffice to say, I'm content today. I'm not sure if it's all about being content, but at least I'm not worried about anything so yeah, content makes sense to describe how I'm doing. It's not so much about not having a care in the world and all that business, but more an "I can do this" sort of feel. Half of it may be that I have dropped some of the issues that were holding me up, but the other may be just a feel like I'm not all alone in all this. Well, here's to anyone who's feeling the same as I, and my regrets to those who's living in Squalor (and yes, that is a Music History and Appreciation joke).

Why Lewis Gets It Right, And Why I Come Off Sounding Pretentious

"...Christianity simply does not make sense until you have faced the sort of facts that I have been describing. Christianity tells people to repent and promises them forgiveness. It therefore has nothing (as far as I know) to say to people who do not know they have done anything to repent of and who do not feel that they need forgiveness. It is after you have realized that there is a real Moral Law, and a Power behind the law, and that you have broken the law and put yourself wrogn with that Power--it is after all this, and not a moment sooner, that Christianity begins to talk. When you know you are sick, you will listen to the doctor. When you have realised that our position is nearly desperate you will begin to understand what the Christians are talking about. "

-Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis

The problem here is when I assume that everyone I interact with feel the same brokenness I feel, the same inability to do right in a world steeped in wrong. I'm a sarcastic soul, joking is my pasttime. When I see comical situations, I make light of them, even if it's not seen in the same light by those around me. Here is my problem, I see wrong as wrong and good as good, no matter the intentions behind them. From my own point of view, someone feeling good for their wrongs and feeling bad for their good causes me much scratching of the head. 

Here is where I don't relate well to people I've tended to interact with. I also am one to show my faith/beliefs on my sleeve and defend or attack appropriately. From my point of view, I'm just trying to keep people honest to the inconsistencies of life. However, what I see to be the problem is when I fail to understand someone's situation from their point of view. Shitake mushrooms, I'm sorry peeps. 

Evolution is the King of Wishful Thinking (insert New Found Glory song here)

Alright, my whole problem with the theory of Evolution is the whole chicken and the egg dilemma. Did apes develop large brains before or after their brain cavity expanded to retain it? Honestly, it just seems like an all-too-convenient explanation. I can give you the point where apes develop the ability to use tools to forage for food but there's no possible way you can expand that idea of using tools to the development philosophy, religion, and biochemistry that man enjoys today because those are so abstract that they require more than simple logic needed in garnering food. There are just too many questions I have that really don't work for me. Oh, and the whole mutations thing that works beneficially? How and when has that ever happened? Each and every mutation that I've seen be presented in nature is horribly corrosive to a life forms' ability to function in the wild. And then to assume that this example of a species not only survives to adulthood and then is able to breed and influence an entire population is just ludicrous. Honestly? People really believe that crap? 

You know what this sounds like (I'm borrowing Mr. B's joke here)? It sounds like the Emperor's New Clothes. Everyone is so eager to approve of (or disprove of, which is my understanding of why evolutionists are so up in arms about their theory) this idea that they ignore logical holes in an argument for the mere sake of proving something. That's not science. That's politics.

New ID

I never realized how much of a boon it is for me to be able to buy my own food before, but now that I have a new student ID, I'm very happy with not having to bum meals off people. I hate being unable to fend for myself, even if I'm not necessarily paying for it, the inability was frustrating. I know this is all making me sound like I'm spoiled, but when I start dealing with school, the last thing I need is to worry about who I have to call before I can get a meal.

Ouch

I lost my wallet, I'm depressed. Nuf' said. But hey, life goes on. 

"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shallwe drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matt. 6:31-33)

Fight Scenes

I've always relished action movies and those that involved in depth fight scenes whether it include Eastern warfare and the simplicity of a basic move or weapon and then expound upon it's simplicity(see the movie Hero), or the Western style witht the inclusion of weapon fire and explosions (historical reference, see the A-Bomb used to take out a nation of kamikazi's and movie reference, The Last Samurai where it's obvious that influence does not only go one way). Here are some clips that I find great from some awesome movies. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QQXOvRLkls&feature=related

Equilibrium-Great movie not only because Christian Bale's characer evolves in such a way as to play light on part of what makes us human, our God-given ability to feel but also has excellent fights that appeal to both Eastern and Western styles of both extreme discipline but applied to a modern setting. I enjoy the conclusion found in the end that emotion is not only required but is necessary to combat tyranny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C9XSf8QrFU

Bourne Identity- There are a ton of great moments in this movie but I like the combination of hand to hand and knife work done in this scene. You also gotta give it to a guy who can stab someone with a ballpoint pen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-nfrRSSVDA

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace- Colton may kill me for picking Episode I as my favorite fight scene but every other one looks way too scripted (or uses way too much computer generated work). Obviously it's Star Wars so a bit of the Force inclusion doesn't really work but hey, it's Star Wars.

The Distractions of Abstraction

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have been stumped today. Not stumped by someone or something I've observed but perhaps by my own thoughtless meanderings. For, you see, I went to an exhibit about modern art today with one of my good friends, my brother, and my headmaster. The Art Museum has an interesting exhibition available and my friend is writing a thesis paper on this sort of art so she found it all very interesting. I, however, took a much more side-winding way to get to an appreciation of this art. 

For those historical artists out there, the major players of this exhibit were Pollock, De Kooning, and many other famous Abstract painters. These are the ones where you see just gobs of paint spread over a canvas and no real line of thought ends up being represented. So, to me, I had no real point of reference when coming to terms with this kind of media form so it invariably led to early headaches for me. 

My resolution was to find what motivated these artists to paint as they did. Primarily, they were a reaction and breaking away from the form and truth of Modernism. Please forgive me if you are confused with the difference between modern art and Modernism. Modernism is more of a political and social mindset that was shaped mainly by Nationalistic views towards government (that unfortunately brought about the likes of Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini) and also influenced America by bringing it into the Golden Age of the 50s. Modern art is a trend towards a Postmodern interpretation of truth claims in which they believe there should be none and that art is merely the production of the artist, not one that is bound to a movement or an artistic period. Of course, the hole in this frame of mind is that this belief in it of itself is a claim to a trend or movement (one that resides in it's independence from what they perceive as prior restraint).

My own quibbles in coming to terms with this art is when I'm taking the position of the audience. When analyzing art from the position of the artist, it's easy to come to conclusions about him whether you analzye the brush strokes, his choice of color, or even the fact when you see that he has stopped his work and ceased to add more paint. However, here I am, in an art gallery, trying to analyze this art as it relates to me as an audience. How do you do it? I haven't the foggiest. What I'm left with is my analysis of what the artist represented and what he felt in that moment of painting for the most part. It all makes me feel kind of helpless, artistically wise. 

Perhaps my biggest problem is that feeling of helplessness. If these artists wanted their art to pretain to only their internal feelings, they ought to not have them published, or at least not till after their deaths because so much of what they're doing is for personal catharsis. This whole concept of painting to get emotion out onto a canvas with little to no consideration as to the perceptions of their current audience seems very selfish to me. Half of what makes this genre great is the culture created and now subsequently associated with this art, and I can appreciate that. But when they [the artists] create a society that is devoid of relating to the world and reality around itself, it loses all credibility in my eyes. I don't know, maybe in all of this I've merely shown my ignorance of their artistic style but I can't help but wonder why some people truly attest to these men as great thinkers of their time when they can't even relate all that well to life and the world around themselves.

Musings on Rockferry

I. Preface

                My first semester of college finished, I felt it necessary for me to muse on how it went, that through this I may improve how I deal with those of the future. Now, I think that something like this ought to be not merely constructed in a “dos” and “don’ts” combination for I assume who will seek to read this will not deal with the same issues nor deal with them exactly the way I do. So in my construction of this entry, I feel I must simply speak on what I feel I personally succeeded or failed in and leave others to deal with their conclusions for this semester of Fall ’08 on their own terms. Also, though I hesitate to include this, there will be aberrations in how people feel the semester went and if didn’t you either enjoy or deal with the problems I’ve had, I’m sincerely sorry and you may send all complaints to Michael Stern in Schurz, room 505.

               

II. Outgoing

                I wanted to start this chapter by pointing out what to me is its title’s ironic double meaning. In the onset of this year I came out of the recesses of the St. Louis private school system bracing myself for the invasion of my life by literally thousands of interactions a day with an institution 2500 times larger than the one I attended previously. Suffice to say I was happy with how this particular aspect of college turned out. I must say that I thoroughly appreciated the interactions I enjoyed in my FIG and through THE Fifth Floor Schurz. In many senses the separation between those of the FIG and those not involved in its activities was little to none and all in all I’ve never seen a tighter floor. I’ve always assumed that there would be bumps and wrinkles in the road, all relationships deal with that. While I’m also going to hesitate to delve into this argument, to ignore the existence of problems in a relationship means you’re not very close to that person or group in the first place. Because to be close means to know flaws that we all deal with and it’s the charge of all parties in a relationship to come to terms with this blatant fact.

                My other meaning to relate in the title of this chapter outside of the outgoing social life I benefited from is a more personal aspect of the semester in most every new college student when dealing with personal identity. I hope and am fairly certain that every collegiate feels this need to come to terms with who they are and how they come across to others they interact with on a daily basis. Well, I feel I’m not special in what I have to deal with in this regard. However, the fact is that some way or another we feel compelled to tailor our personal outgoing message to everyone else we meet. When weighing how I’ve dealt with this I’ve resolved that this topic is more a Jeckel and Hyde dichotomy than most other issues I’ve yet to relate.

                Effectively, I like to play off my own ability to be an open individual and relate that sense to others because it truly is difficult to conduct true friendships without some measure of transparency. One thing though that I’ve concluded differently is where transparency hits a major road block. Permit me to describe this semi-complicated issue as it seems to me for I draw on many other lines of thought and will attempt to combine them into one cohesive stream of consciousness. May I start with C.S. Lewis’ conclusions on the tendency of postmodernist thinkers to explain away everything they see as establishing a set of truth claims from Mere Christianity. He shows this pattern of explaining everything away as attempting to prove that what they are seeing is only a window and that there is something behind it that we truly need to see. However, their problem exists in when they disprove all they see, including that which they see beyond their window. For them, to see through everything is not to truly see at all.

                To tie this philosophical argument into my own situation I must also employ another analogy and that is of one of my favorite television characters in the title character of House. One of his catchphrases and one with which he assembles his own conclusions on life is that; “Everybody lies.” To him the issue is not merely what we lie about or even that we do but what truly motivates those around him to live like they do.

                I attest to both of these arguments by Lewis and House in that they are in complimentary disagreement. Everyone wears masks and it is through this that society functions. To be completely transparent to everyone you meet is to be a huge downer. It just is. That’s not as much of a big deal to me because I learned that lesson of whether I’m tight enough with that person to talk about who I am and what I’m dealing with. The other is really my PSA to those who think we aren’t calling their bluff. It’s mostly because I was so bad at hiding who I was from everyone that it kills me when I see people trying to do the same for whatever reason, and sometimes very badly. Compassion is a funny thing like that when it borders on your irritation for that attitude you see in someone and then are resolved to help that person out of what at first irritated you. Well to me, I’ve found to be irritated by people in this predicament and then feel some sort of need to help; so I do. And it's considered a virtue. Sweet

(More to come as I'm still typing, this was just the fruits of a sleepy afternoon in FL; oh, and if you didn't notice, I did not once mention Rockferry in this post, i just thought it was a cool title)