Hmmmm

So, if God is love, than it sounds to me like the description of love about being patient and kind should apply to Him. Thus, there's that whole thing about not holding a record of wrongs. Now, how does this coincide with purgatory? The entire concept doesn't ring completely true for me. Also, the idea that I can bring myself closer to God through my own actions aren't exactly kosher either. My view of it all is this; God wants nothing more than to have a relationship with his children. Our sin and subsequent attitudes prevent us from fully accepting this amazing gift and thus forcing ourselves to live on our own (think Moses striking the rock). The more we allow God to work on our lives, the more we are able to do three things.

A. We gain a better appreciation of God's love for us.

B. We get a better understanding of the work God did through his Son, Jesus Christ.

C. We end coming closer by sacrificing more of the control over our own lives and embracing the confidence we gain by knowledge of our relationship with Christ

I just can't see how anything I actively do can allow for any more grace or a better life after I die. I feel like that would limit the faith I have in God and the cross.

When It's All Gone

Life as it is

God is awesome, just wanted to put out that APB if any doubters were out there. For those close to me, it has been hard for me recently because I've simply felt pretty down on myself because of my failure to maintain a solid relationship with a girl. And I know that it's dumb, but I felt empty when there wasn't this other individual that I could feel a bond with. And there were so many reasons why, that I just couldn't see why God was holding this away from me. One wouldn't be interested in me, another I only liked as a friend and knew that it wouldn't last, and another woulbe simply be with someone else and I'm not going to be "that" guy, y'know?

Oh well, either way, I was and am tired of it. But you know what? God's timing is so above and beyond my own that I can do nothing but give it all to him. Because I've learned this in the last year that when I sacrifice any of my own persona and pride invested in what I try to accomplish, then God may do great things with it. And why not do the same with my dating relationships? It seems so obvious at this low point for me that I can't help but chuckle. Because there were so many opportunities for me that I either effed up or just let go by.

God, I'm here at this point and frustrated to no end. But you are great and exalted above all others. You are the ultimate lover and relationship-leader. You are faithful to a fault and more caring and tender than the most passionate lover could ever be or write on a page. We can only grasp blindly at and come so short of how You held your bride to your breast and never let her go. I've been broken down and humbled to the breaking point where I was ready to explode and destroy any possibility of hope. But you are faithful to forgive and raise up your servants when they sit in the desert place bereft of love and peace. Why was I so easily able to just take my relationship with you for granted and push it away? Well, it didn't work out well as you must have known for now I sit here like Jonah after the weed withered away in my own filth and feel silly for it all.

Lord, I've failed in all regards. I've taken girls for granted and slandered the names of those I cared for by engaging in all sorts of porn and what not that I didn't deserve their care from the beginning. I give it all to you and reside in your care for the time being. Hold onto my heart and let not a girl take it away as if it were something for sale or barter so easily as I would be taken for her at the first moment. "Love at first sight" will not be in my vocabulary. God, I'm yours wholly and fully. Do what you will and give me the peace you promise to all those that call your name. Amen.

Cheesy song to finish up with but I like it

Perhaps

Perhaps I don't think as much during summer. Maybe other people are just more constructive with their time. Nevertheless, I haven't written almost anything to this blog in the past month or so. Working a lot tends to do that to you. Anyway, relaxing recently for me has been dusting off my Rome: Total War disks and playing a mod of the game called Roma Surrectum ("Rome Rising") which took great lengths to make it seem as if you're really fighting as Rome. I'm also part way through Michael Curtis Ford's "The Sword of Attila," about the last days of the empire up to the Hun invasion. It's really good but I can't read it for too long without wanting to live it out myself through RTW. Oh well, at least I don't have battle formations going through my head when I mow lawns at work. Oh wait, I do.