This morning, I looked at my computer and I saw a box for the first time. I did not see a crutch. I did not see a way for me to feel better about myself for the way I was able to talk well to people, enunciate my position well, or goodness knows, to abuse a girl with the way I looked her over across the internet. I took a step back and I was aghast. I thought to myself "I wanted that? I desired that? Who am I?" I want the love of Christ! I want Jesus! I want my family to know that I live for him. I don't want a complement on my music, my books, or my hair. I want Jesus Christ to strip me clean of my sorrow, shame, pride, and hate. God, give me every desire of my heart in tune to your will. I fail without you. I HAVE failed without you. I put my faith in so many things, that they were trustworthy and good. Foolishness. Just foolishness. God I deserve none of the gifts from which you have brought me to you. None of my life up to now is deserving of your praise till now. Now is the day. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like but I want to be different and you will bring me there. I'm done working on my own. That was folly. You are my only support and crutch. God give me peace and then God give me the strength and constitution to do what is necessary. Amen.
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