Hmmmm

So, if God is love, than it sounds to me like the description of love about being patient and kind should apply to Him. Thus, there's that whole thing about not holding a record of wrongs. Now, how does this coincide with purgatory? The entire concept doesn't ring completely true for me. Also, the idea that I can bring myself closer to God through my own actions aren't exactly kosher either. My view of it all is this; God wants nothing more than to have a relationship with his children. Our sin and subsequent attitudes prevent us from fully accepting this amazing gift and thus forcing ourselves to live on our own (think Moses striking the rock). The more we allow God to work on our lives, the more we are able to do three things.

A. We gain a better appreciation of God's love for us.

B. We get a better understanding of the work God did through his Son, Jesus Christ.

C. We end coming closer by sacrificing more of the control over our own lives and embracing the confidence we gain by knowledge of our relationship with Christ

I just can't see how anything I actively do can allow for any more grace or a better life after I die. I feel like that would limit the faith I have in God and the cross.

When It's All Gone

Life as it is

God is awesome, just wanted to put out that APB if any doubters were out there. For those close to me, it has been hard for me recently because I've simply felt pretty down on myself because of my failure to maintain a solid relationship with a girl. And I know that it's dumb, but I felt empty when there wasn't this other individual that I could feel a bond with. And there were so many reasons why, that I just couldn't see why God was holding this away from me. One wouldn't be interested in me, another I only liked as a friend and knew that it wouldn't last, and another woulbe simply be with someone else and I'm not going to be "that" guy, y'know?

Oh well, either way, I was and am tired of it. But you know what? God's timing is so above and beyond my own that I can do nothing but give it all to him. Because I've learned this in the last year that when I sacrifice any of my own persona and pride invested in what I try to accomplish, then God may do great things with it. And why not do the same with my dating relationships? It seems so obvious at this low point for me that I can't help but chuckle. Because there were so many opportunities for me that I either effed up or just let go by.

God, I'm here at this point and frustrated to no end. But you are great and exalted above all others. You are the ultimate lover and relationship-leader. You are faithful to a fault and more caring and tender than the most passionate lover could ever be or write on a page. We can only grasp blindly at and come so short of how You held your bride to your breast and never let her go. I've been broken down and humbled to the breaking point where I was ready to explode and destroy any possibility of hope. But you are faithful to forgive and raise up your servants when they sit in the desert place bereft of love and peace. Why was I so easily able to just take my relationship with you for granted and push it away? Well, it didn't work out well as you must have known for now I sit here like Jonah after the weed withered away in my own filth and feel silly for it all.

Lord, I've failed in all regards. I've taken girls for granted and slandered the names of those I cared for by engaging in all sorts of porn and what not that I didn't deserve their care from the beginning. I give it all to you and reside in your care for the time being. Hold onto my heart and let not a girl take it away as if it were something for sale or barter so easily as I would be taken for her at the first moment. "Love at first sight" will not be in my vocabulary. God, I'm yours wholly and fully. Do what you will and give me the peace you promise to all those that call your name. Amen.

Cheesy song to finish up with but I like it

Perhaps

Perhaps I don't think as much during summer. Maybe other people are just more constructive with their time. Nevertheless, I haven't written almost anything to this blog in the past month or so. Working a lot tends to do that to you. Anyway, relaxing recently for me has been dusting off my Rome: Total War disks and playing a mod of the game called Roma Surrectum ("Rome Rising") which took great lengths to make it seem as if you're really fighting as Rome. I'm also part way through Michael Curtis Ford's "The Sword of Attila," about the last days of the empire up to the Hun invasion. It's really good but I can't read it for too long without wanting to live it out myself through RTW. Oh well, at least I don't have battle formations going through my head when I mow lawns at work. Oh wait, I do.

It's a dangerous thing, walking out your front door...

Well, I must first apologize, I haven't read anything of substance since summer started. Working 40 hours a week tends to do that to you. I'm burnt out every day and only really want to get some bball work out in afterwards. On the other hand, I'm filling out really well. Fingers crossed that I can gain between five and ten pounds of muscle before the end of the summer. Unfortunately, my dreams of playing Div-I bball as a walk on are slowly diminishing as I get better, ironically enough. Every time I play well with the guys I usually hang out with, I realize how much harder I would have to play to get to the level of guys who live, sleep, and breathe around the rim (Kim English, a fellow sophomore, for one). Either way, I'm going to look to be one of the better intramural players next year and hopefully build on that going into Junior/Senior year. I'm also gonna need to get a solid team together that's dedicated to getting better every year as well. Oh well, it all takes work, something I'm taking a deep breath from today with all this rain. Soli Deo Gloria.

Dreaming in Red

Great song, btw. Anyway, I'm here as a hopeful supplicant to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Dudes....dudettes, we need to get up. I'm not saying in the way we stand up in church, put our hand up in the air cuz we see that girl next to me who's doing the same thing so I want to be like her cuz she must have more Jesus than I do. No, I'm saying we stand up, strap on our armor of God, and make a difference. I mean, COME....ON!!! You're killing me. You're like Dexter McCleon when he played for the Rams and got burned deep every single time they challenged him over the top. That or he got pass interference and let the other team just waltz down the field. Yeah, we keep singing about how Christians have not loved Christ as we ought, but I would say we don't deserve to be called Christians (AKA "Little Christs") the way we've sold ourselves short. Dang it, I'm frustrated with how badly I've screwed up and now I'm taking it out on you. Oh well, then let me at least plead with you to not make my same mistake. Wear your faith like a calling card almost like those Obama crazies did around election time (sorry for those who felt offended by that, but you really were). And when they come down on you for what you believe, look up John 15:18-19 first before blaming me for not giving you fair warning. Good luck, brothers and sisters and may His face shine upon you, and give you peace. Amen.

To Be Real Men

Great talk by Mark Driscoll.

Linkage

The Love for God

I envy them their public love. I myself have only known it in secret, shared it in secret and longed, aw longed to show it- to be able to say out loud what they have no need to say at all: That I have loved only you, surrendered my whole self reckless to you and nobody else. That I want you to love me back and show it to me. That I love the way you hold me, how close you let me be to you. I like your fingers on and on, lifting, turning. I have watched your face for a long time now, and missed your eyes when you went away from me. Talking to you and hearing you answer- that's the kick.

But I can't say that aloud; I can't tell anyone that I have been waiting for this all my life and that being chosen to wait is the reason I can. If I were able I'd say it. Say make me, remake me. You are free to do it and I am free to let you because look, look. Look where your hands are. Now.

-from Jazz by Toni Morrison

When reading this and considering writing on it because it meant a bit to me, I figured there were two ways to really take this. I can either take a more personal/online journal approach and appeal to the great parts of this quote that I would have of my own love life but another side of me wants to make evidence of the love of Christ and how I have failed more in this regard, because I honestly have. In more ways then I care to literally relate specifically (something only God truly deserves in my opinion), I have taken the great name of my Father and strewn in through the mud. 

I mean, look at what Morrison's presenting here: a love that was once in secret, built on the little intricacies of a feeling turned into words and actions. But in the end, it's coming to fruition takes place in a very public sense. We as Christians are to be known by our love but how are they to see it if not through a public iteration of the feeling we have for our Lord and Savior? Now, I'm not arguing for works or public professions to be part of what brings about our salvation, but if we are truly saved, are we not to be living out a life that makes evidence to God? Morrison says, "But I can't say that aloud; I can't tell anyone that I have been waiting for this all my life and that being chosen to wait is the reason I can. If I were able I'd say it. Say make me, remake me. You are free to do it and I am free to let you because look, look. Look where your hands are. Now." Now how is that not something we should seek to have from our Savior? Perhaps this is part of how I've felt so long with God, this hesitancy, that makes this quote more real for me. Either way, I've gotta feel that this should be part of a Christian's very personal relationship with Christ.